To the black lady that slapped her obnoxious child upside the head...

I'd like to say:

Thank you.  Your kid was driving me nuts with all the screaming and cursing she was doing near the water fountain...

You made my day. 


I seem to have a lot of work related issues/incidents..but here's one that really just felt uncomfortable.

It's a bit uncomfortable to read, but I'm sure you'll be fine with it.

So here I am using the restroom.  Not #1, but #2 mind you.

When out of nowhere, I hear some guy talking on the phone. 

Hell.. he's probably going to take a leak and mosey on out. 

No.   the dude hunkers on down to the stall next to me and starts rummaging through the ass gaskets and apparently finds the one he likes to use for his bomb raids...

Before I continue...I have a confession to make. 

I'm very shy when it comes to someone bodily functions.  I remember as a kid I would wait until everybody peed before I could do my business.  I think it had something to do with an incident when I was nine or so.  I was taking a leak at DisneyLand and this lumbering 50 year old pedo stands next to me and just gazes and my privates.  I mean seriously.. I'm small to begin with.. there's nothing really to see.  The mofo traumatized me. 

So back to the toilet escapade.


So obviously, I don't like want to continue my business when someone is around so I patiently wait.

I wait some more.

I try to play some BrickBreaker on my phone to pass the time. 

By now, the guy hung up his phone and was quiet as well.

I coughed.  Waited and nothing. 

Maybe he took a ninja dump and disappeared like a fart in the wind.. Peeked down and saw his shoes.. those ever loving slip-ons.

I finally came to the conclusion that were basically doing some sort of Mexican stand off.  The guy was obviously waiting for me to begin so he could do his bodily functions as well. 

I refused.  Sweat began to form on my face.  I heard the guy grunt.  I played it cool and just puckered up. 

What felt like 2 hours was in fact two minutes. 

The guy finally caved.  And man did he cave.  It felt  and sounded like he was releasing pure spiteful poop devils  from his bowels.  Few seconds later, the smell kicked in.  I gagged a bit.  My eyes started tearing up.  I tried plugging my nose and then realized that i was probably eating his ass particles from breathing with my mouth open...

The dude flushed four times.  Called someone up again and then proceeded to leave restroom without washing his hands.

Long story short:  I couldn't even #2.  I ate ass particles.  I think I'm constipated now.

Whatever you do, take a shit before you drive to work.

I live in a heavily congested area and I should have known this.  But, I was late and I really needed to get into work on time.

Please also keep in mind that I had a humongous as dinner.  Fast Food feast.  It truly was.

Me being the dumbass that I am decided to take off before my daily ritual.  

Fast forward ten minutes and here we are.  I'm stuck in traffic.  I really gotta take a crap.  I feel the bubble guts coming along. 

You know what I'm talking about.  You want to fart, but you're too afraid to open the flood gates type?


God, if I crap my pants on the way there, I'm going to kill myself..

Give thanks

I'm thankful that I managed to avoid a traffic ticket today.  Allegedly I was going 29 mph over the speed limit.

Cop: Sir, Do you know you were speeding?

Me: Well... no I didn't sir... but honestly speaking.. Me speeding is the furthest from my mind right now.

Cop:  Really.  Then what the hell is on your mind son.

Me: I've been having the stomach flu for the past week.  I've literally been on the toilet every other hour.


The cop proceeds to laugh and laugh.  Tears rolling down his waxy mustache.

Cop:  Get the hell out of here son. 

So yes.. I am thankful that I avoided a speeding ticket today...but ow...my pride..

An Educated Guide To Speeding Tickets-How To Beat Avoid Them